My Feelingness Project – 1

I am going through an emotional tsunami. I say that because a Tsumani is being generated in one place, usually very far from the place it hits. I feel that my emotions are a lot like the big wave. It starts in a very different time in my life. I first learned to block my feelings when I was  16. Until then, I had a very fun, normal, peaceful childhood, no major disasters or events I can tell you that changed my life. When I was 16,going on 17 my parents were separating, getting a divorce. It was not a pleasant process at all and as a young women, who had to grow up in 1 day. To survive,  I’ve created this amazing mechanism of survival. The simple but yet very effective  was to completely block the way to feeling. I mean, not to react in a different way, but really shut my heart to feelings. At that point, I didn’t want to feel all the pain, shame, fights and so much anger.  I shut down my feeling machine, my heart.

This system worked really well, well at least that what I thought over the years. I could hurt people without getting hurt back. I still remember telling myself and others that I have no expectation from anyone, because if I do, I will have disappointments. I liked to have this Anti-feeling shield, it serves me in a way of protecting myself from getting hurt.

Not having expectations is in a way say – don’t feel. If you don’t feel, you don’t get hurt. You see, to access the feeling machine, our heart, you need to go through the door of love. But, you might think there is one door for love, and another for anger, but it is (as I am learning ) the same one. There is only one door to my heart.

By blocking my door to all the anger, fights, sadness and chaos my parents divorce generated in my life, I also blocked the door to feel, the door to feel love.

Over the years, I took so many training and I was able to access this place of deep love, but as I went back to my day-to-day life, I was very quick to shut it back. I became an expert in putting so many locks on my heart, that it takes a  long time and the right keys to open it up again.

For me, keeping the feeling machine working at all time, takes a lot of HARD work. I need to pay really good attention to what is going on within me, and keep change the way I respond.

Here is an example that happend last night. As we were cooking dinner, I lost my temper. It was a stupid argument about cooking paste, but the results were devastating. I was screaming and yelling at my husband, and shaking from  my head to my toes. He told me to control myself and my reaction wsa to storm out of the house.

I went into my car and drove.

I didn’t know where I was going to, but I knew something big is cooking within me and I needed some quiet alone time to figure it out.

I want to pause for a second, and go back to the  Goddess seminar. At the seminar (See posting from July 29 and August 11) I realized that I am creating points of conflict to get the control I want to have. What I mean by control is – to get what I want, my way, no matter what the outcome is. I also get a lot of attention from being angry.

I had realized I have done it again, I have created a fight over basically nothing.

At the seminar, I created a Goddess Power Rules, which intend to remind me what I am doing, and what I need to change to access my feeling machine. I knew it, but I didn’t do it.

What my Power Rule says – Take 10 deep breath, take a walk and center. Come back, say what I want in a nice way, express how I feel with power, but not control.

Funny, I never thought I had a control issue (other do think that) .

For me control was a more of a physical concept, but it is actually comes in many forms. My control ‘style’ (if I can call it this way) is emotional. For example – I can be very angry with my kids for not cleaning up their room and make them clean it up for me to be satisfied. After they do it, I am satisfied, but I am also very angry and upset with myself for doing so.

So, the question I am asking myself is – how can  give up my control and find the way back to the love in my heart?

The answer is simple, but the process to make is a part of every minute of my day is hard work for me.

I am taking one step today, I took the time to process what had happened last night, connect the dots, realize what I have done and how can I change my action and reaction in the future. I know life will bring it’s own challenges 😉

Until next time, I will be working on my Feeling Machine.

With love, Relli

P.S. When I googled Images of ‘Love Machine’ it is mostly about sex! how strange..

Goddess Seminar – 2 weeks after

Over this amazing weekend that I was at the seminar, I did not have a chance to write here.

It seems that we were at this room for 2 years, with all the things that came up to me and to other wonderful women. Barbara’s processes were so powerful, that you got something every time again.

It’s been 2 weeks since I am back from the seminar, and I am still digesting what has happened.

Here are some of the things I learned –

I am afraid to be in a group of all women. My first substantial memory related to a large women group is back 22 years ago. I was completing my officer training. I don’t remember all the details but I do remember that there was a lot of gossiping and cruellest to one another. It was not a good experience when it comes to how they treated one another. I remember hating it, I remember don’t understanding it. This is what my body feels when I am around many women. During the course of the Goddess Seminar I learn to trust again, to see the beauty in each women and the beauty in being only women. It is different, the communication is different, the understanding is different. It was a very safe environment fo me to open up.

I can’t tell you that now I don’t have these thoughts at all anymore, but at least I am aware of that more than ever. I am working hard on myself to keep this deep trust, and not fall back to my old emotions patterns that do not serve me any more.

Another thing that I learn was to respect my mom much more as a woman, not as a mother. It is totally different view when you look at your mom as an individual, with all their issues, life experience and so forth. My mom had tough life in many ways. She got married very young, left her career to raise the children (although she wanted to keep working), had a major car accident when she was 40, chose to divorce and live HER life, had 4 children to support by herself, no help from family and friends. She did it, but it was not an easy ride.

I am almost 40 now, and I am thinking to myself – wow, this is tough! She should be admired for what she has accomplished, it is quite amazing consider what she went through.

Third – I learned to look at my marriage in a totally different way. I was always expecting my husband to behave in  a certain way, that today I know, was impossible for him to be. Sounds ridiculous but it’s the truth! Well, there must be somethings I’ve done well, otherwise we wouldn’t be that long together 😉

I am about to read Barbara’s Book – Secrets about men every women should know’ to know more about this subject!

I am sure something really good will come out of it.

Well, I have to complete this post, I will be back to write some more in the next few days.

With love, Relli