I am going through an emotional tsunami. I say that because a Tsumani is being generated in one place, usually very far from the place it hits. I feel that my emotions are a lot like the big wave. It starts in a very different time in my life. I first learned to block my feelings when I was  16. Until then, I had a very fun, normal, peaceful childhood, no major disasters or events I can tell you that changed my life. When I was 16,going on 17 my parents were separating, getting a divorce. It was not a pleasant process at all and as a young women, who had to grow up in 1 day. To survive,  I’ve created this amazing mechanism of survival. The simple but yet very effective  was to completely block the way to feeling. I mean, not to react in a different way, but really shut my heart to feelings. At that point, I didn’t want to feel all the pain, shame, fights and so much anger.  I shut down my feeling machine, my heart.

This system worked really well, well at least that what I thought over the years. I could hurt people without getting hurt back. I still remember telling myself and others that I have no expectation from anyone, because if I do, I will have disappointments. I liked to have this Anti-feeling shield, it serves me in a way of protecting myself from getting hurt.

Not having expectations is in a way say – don’t feel. If you don’t feel, you don’t get hurt. You see, to access the feeling machine, our heart, you need to go through the door of love. But, you might think there is one door for love, and another for anger, but it is (as I am learning ) the same one. There is only one door to my heart.

By blocking my door to all the anger, fights, sadness and chaos my parents divorce generated in my life, I also blocked the door to feel, the door to feel love.

Over the years, I took so many training and I was able to access this place of deep love, but as I went back to my day-to-day life, I was very quick to shut it back. I became an expert in putting so many locks on my heart, that it takes a  long time and the right keys to open it up again.

For me, keeping the feeling machine working at all time, takes a lot of HARD work. I need to pay really good attention to what is going on within me, and keep change the way I respond.

Here is an example that happend last night. As we were cooking dinner, I lost my temper. It was a stupid argument about cooking paste, but the results were devastating. I was screaming and yelling at my husband, and shaking from  my head to my toes. He told me to control myself and my reaction wsa to storm out of the house.

I went into my car and drove.

I didn’t know where I was going to, but I knew something big is cooking within me and I needed some quiet alone time to figure it out.

I want to pause for a second, and go back to the  Goddess seminar. At the seminar (See posting from July 29 and August 11) I realized that I am creating points of conflict to get the control I want to have. What I mean by control is – to get what I want, my way, no matter what the outcome is. I also get a lot of attention from being angry.

I had realized I have done it again, I have created a fight over basically nothing.

At the seminar, I created a Goddess Power Rules, which intend to remind me what I am doing, and what I need to change to access my feeling machine. I knew it, but I didn’t do it.

What my Power Rule says – Take 10 deep breath, take a walk and center. Come back, say what I want in a nice way, express how I feel with power, but not control.

Funny, I never thought I had a control issue (other do think that) .

For me control was a more of a physical concept, but it is actually comes in many forms. My control ‘style’ (if I can call it this way) is emotional. For example – I can be very angry with my kids for not cleaning up their room and make them clean it up for me to be satisfied. After they do it, I am satisfied, but I am also very angry and upset with myself for doing so.

So, the question I am asking myself is – how can  give up my control and find the way back to the love in my heart?

The answer is simple, but the process to make is a part of every minute of my day is hard work for me.

I am taking one step today, I took the time to process what had happened last night, connect the dots, realize what I have done and how can I change my action and reaction in the future. I know life will bring it’s own challenges 😉

Until next time, I will be working on my Feeling Machine.

With love, Relli

P.S. When I googled Images of ‘Love Machine’ it is mostly about sex! how strange..