My Feelingness Project – 1

I am going through an emotional tsunami. I say that because a Tsumani is being generated in one place, usually very far from the place it hits. I feel that my emotions are a lot like the big wave. It starts in a very different time in my life. I first learned to block my feelings when I was  16. Until then, I had a very fun, normal, peaceful childhood, no major disasters or events I can tell you that changed my life. When I was 16,going on 17 my parents were separating, getting a divorce. It was not a pleasant process at all and as a young women, who had to grow up in 1 day. To survive,  I’ve created this amazing mechanism of survival. The simple but yet very effective  was to completely block the way to feeling. I mean, not to react in a different way, but really shut my heart to feelings. At that point, I didn’t want to feel all the pain, shame, fights and so much anger.  I shut down my feeling machine, my heart.

This system worked really well, well at least that what I thought over the years. I could hurt people without getting hurt back. I still remember telling myself and others that I have no expectation from anyone, because if I do, I will have disappointments. I liked to have this Anti-feeling shield, it serves me in a way of protecting myself from getting hurt.

Not having expectations is in a way say – don’t feel. If you don’t feel, you don’t get hurt. You see, to access the feeling machine, our heart, you need to go through the door of love. But, you might think there is one door for love, and another for anger, but it is (as I am learning ) the same one. There is only one door to my heart.

By blocking my door to all the anger, fights, sadness and chaos my parents divorce generated in my life, I also blocked the door to feel, the door to feel love.

Over the years, I took so many training and I was able to access this place of deep love, but as I went back to my day-to-day life, I was very quick to shut it back. I became an expert in putting so many locks on my heart, that it takes a  long time and the right keys to open it up again.

For me, keeping the feeling machine working at all time, takes a lot of HARD work. I need to pay really good attention to what is going on within me, and keep change the way I respond.

Here is an example that happend last night. As we were cooking dinner, I lost my temper. It was a stupid argument about cooking paste, but the results were devastating. I was screaming and yelling at my husband, and shaking from  my head to my toes. He told me to control myself and my reaction wsa to storm out of the house.

I went into my car and drove.

I didn’t know where I was going to, but I knew something big is cooking within me and I needed some quiet alone time to figure it out.

I want to pause for a second, and go back to the  Goddess seminar. At the seminar (See posting from July 29 and August 11) I realized that I am creating points of conflict to get the control I want to have. What I mean by control is – to get what I want, my way, no matter what the outcome is. I also get a lot of attention from being angry.

I had realized I have done it again, I have created a fight over basically nothing.

At the seminar, I created a Goddess Power Rules, which intend to remind me what I am doing, and what I need to change to access my feeling machine. I knew it, but I didn’t do it.

What my Power Rule says – Take 10 deep breath, take a walk and center. Come back, say what I want in a nice way, express how I feel with power, but not control.

Funny, I never thought I had a control issue (other do think that) .

For me control was a more of a physical concept, but it is actually comes in many forms. My control ‘style’ (if I can call it this way) is emotional. For example – I can be very angry with my kids for not cleaning up their room and make them clean it up for me to be satisfied. After they do it, I am satisfied, but I am also very angry and upset with myself for doing so.

So, the question I am asking myself is – how can  give up my control and find the way back to the love in my heart?

The answer is simple, but the process to make is a part of every minute of my day is hard work for me.

I am taking one step today, I took the time to process what had happened last night, connect the dots, realize what I have done and how can I change my action and reaction in the future. I know life will bring it’s own challenges 😉

Until next time, I will be working on my Feeling Machine.

With love, Relli

P.S. When I googled Images of ‘Love Machine’ it is mostly about sex! how strange..

Goddess Seminar – 2 weeks after

Over this amazing weekend that I was at the seminar, I did not have a chance to write here.

It seems that we were at this room for 2 years, with all the things that came up to me and to other wonderful women. Barbara’s processes were so powerful, that you got something every time again.

It’s been 2 weeks since I am back from the seminar, and I am still digesting what has happened.

Here are some of the things I learned –

I am afraid to be in a group of all women. My first substantial memory related to a large women group is back 22 years ago. I was completing my officer training. I don’t remember all the details but I do remember that there was a lot of gossiping and cruellest to one another. It was not a good experience when it comes to how they treated one another. I remember hating it, I remember don’t understanding it. This is what my body feels when I am around many women. During the course of the Goddess Seminar I learn to trust again, to see the beauty in each women and the beauty in being only women. It is different, the communication is different, the understanding is different. It was a very safe environment fo me to open up.

I can’t tell you that now I don’t have these thoughts at all anymore, but at least I am aware of that more than ever. I am working hard on myself to keep this deep trust, and not fall back to my old emotions patterns that do not serve me any more.

Another thing that I learn was to respect my mom much more as a woman, not as a mother. It is totally different view when you look at your mom as an individual, with all their issues, life experience and so forth. My mom had tough life in many ways. She got married very young, left her career to raise the children (although she wanted to keep working), had a major car accident when she was 40, chose to divorce and live HER life, had 4 children to support by herself, no help from family and friends. She did it, but it was not an easy ride.

I am almost 40 now, and I am thinking to myself – wow, this is tough! She should be admired for what she has accomplished, it is quite amazing consider what she went through.

Third – I learned to look at my marriage in a totally different way. I was always expecting my husband to behave in  a certain way, that today I know, was impossible for him to be. Sounds ridiculous but it’s the truth! Well, there must be somethings I’ve done well, otherwise we wouldn’t be that long together 😉

I am about to read Barbara’s Book – Secrets about men every women should know’ to know more about this subject!

I am sure something really good will come out of it.

Well, I have to complete this post, I will be back to write some more in the next few days.

With love, Relli

Goddess seminar with Barbara DeAngelis – Day 1

“Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle”   Robert Anthony

So peaceful,so green and beautiful.This is what I see and feel entering this hotel.In warm San Diego, I am away from day-to-day time.

I took ‘Time out’, I needed one. With a house full of kids, so many chores and things to do, when do I get time for me?

I took the weekend off to look inside, look deep.  As I was sitting down to eat my sandwich, I noticed a brochure – ‘The fountains walking tour’. I took it with me and started walking down the beautiful pathways all around. Water has such a comm effect on me. I look at them, and I can see how I am relaxing, taking one bag at a time off my shoulders. The fountains here are each unique, and has its own story. I am taking lots of pictures and videos I will share when I am back. The tour and the fountains made me think about how I need to look for the flow, my own personal flow.  Water is flowing so easily, how come I am not?

Water will face resistance, they will hit some walls, but how do they always know to find the way to break through it? A question we can ask, but only nature can answer.

This weekend, I want to flow, I want to be in this unstoppable place of emotions, where I break walls. My walls are emotional, and  I am simply an excellent walls builder when it comes to emotional walls, and I can feel that  I have too many of these at that point of time.

I want to release the tension, let the body be one with the soul and spirit. When it aligns, things just fall into place. Just let it flow.

More later of tomorrow, Love,Relli

sign LOVE

Soon I will be off to another deep process with Barbara De Angelis. One of the things I learned through my personal search for happiness, is that you need to get back to LOVE.

I thought about how can I remind myself to do/think about it as often as I can, no matter what I do, and I got an idea.

As I am spending at lease few hours a day on the computer, searching working and communicating with others, I thought that would be a great place to use the concept of LOVE.

So, I made a conscious decision to sign every email, blog, Facebook posting with the word LOVE.

I have been doing if for few weeks now, and I can feel how I am more and more connected to this concepts. I can feel more, remove emotional walls faster (I am VERY good at building then..) and I am less stressed and cranky.

It works. I once learned that Visual is Memorable, and this simple exercise help me a lot.

I challenge you to find a value you would like to remember as much as you can, and change the way you think and do things. It can be anything you want it to be.

Write it down, write it down, write it down. You will be amazed with the change and shift this one small thing can do for you.

Give it a try!

Love, Relli

Parenting President Obama style

These days, I am dealing with 2 teens (well, actually 3 if you count my 7 years old daughter 😉 ) . I find it to be  very challenging to get their attention, commitment and help. I am always on the hunt to learn something new about how to handle these days, not always I can apply it all :0 )

I just got this article, and wanted to share.

http://www.ehow.com/how_5871197_parent-like-president.html

Although I know the concepts, a little reminder is always good. Reading it about the president made me look at my priorities. It’s all about how we manage our energy and time, and it the president can do it, I can too!

Best love, Relli

Still here?

Yes, I am still here.

Came back from Experts Academy seminar – Whooo, so much to do and learn.

Working, Relli

The hardest day of my life

 

Today, I was playing god. I never thought how hard it would be , until I had to make a decision about my beloved dog, Arik.

Arik has been with us since he was 5 months. An energetic Lab that is always on the look for food, got to be 14 and 3 months. In the last year, Arik was having hard time getting up and walking, but he was doing fine with all kinds of pills. In the last few months, it became clear that it gets harder and harder for him to get up, even when he needed to go potty.

It was hard watching him, knowing he is not able to do what he loved doing – snicking out of the house when the door was open and look for food in garbage cans 😉

Few weeks ago, I was about to let him go but I couldn’t do it. My good and dear friend Lisbeth convinced me that it is not time. I listen to my heart , my husband, kids and Lisbeth, with the help of Arik’s wonderful Vet, Dr. Jennifer Martin, we decided to wait.

Last week, as we were sitting at night, it became clear that the time is almost here. Arik had developed some lung problem, and it was hard for him to breathe after a very short walk, or even going outside to potty. We knew we have to make a decision about his quality of life.

For a long time throughout this process, I was thinking about me, the family  – how we would feel, how is it going to be without him. I couldn’t do it, I could not let go.

In the last few days I realized that it’s not about me, it’s about Arik and his life. I read some articles and got to understand that this is no life for him. He can not do what he love doing.

Today, with a lot of tears ( A LOT OF TEARS), we let Arik go.

 Our wonderful vet made it so peaceful, Aviv and I held Arik throughout the process. I still cry, and I think I will cry for few more days. I once learned from a very wise women, that tears melt the ice around our heart, it’s a healing process. I love to cry, I need to cry, I feel better after I cry.

I will miss Arik so much. I will miss his beautiful face, his smooth ears, his snoring at night, his welcoming tail, his spirit. I will miss him, but I know that I served him by letting him go. It is hard, it is so hard,  I canstill feel the pain in my body as I am writing these words.

I will miss him, I already am, Aviv and the kids will miss him, Tuvia our cat is already looking for him.

I loved my dog, and he loved me, in a way that only dogs know.

Last, I found this poem yesterday as I was reading about ‘how to know when it is time’, I think it is beautiful.

If it should be that I grow frail and weak, and pain should keep me from my sleep
Then you must do what must be done, for this the last battle can’t be won

You will be sad – I understand, don’t let your grief then stay your hand
For this day, more than the rest, your love and friendship stand the the test
We’ve had so many happy years, what is to come – can have no fears
You’d not want me to suffer, so, when the time comes, please let me go

Take me where my needs they’ll tend, only stay with me until the end
And hold me firm and speak to me, until my eyes no longer see

I know in time

you too will see, it is a kindness you do for me
Although my tail its last has waved, from pain and suffering I’ve been saved
Don’t grieve that is should be you, who has to decide this thing to do
We’ve been so close through all these years, don’t let your heart hold any tears

Smile, for we’ve been together for awhile.

Hug your dog today, embrace its love and cherish it. It is the best gift you can give them and yourself.

Hugs, Relli

Moms Poem

Just found it on the site below and loved it –

MOM’S

Mom’s are caring

Mom’s are direction

Mom’s are our mentors

Mom’s laugh because they love

Mom’s know without being told

Mom’s hear without even listening

Mom’s cry in the quiet of their hearts

Mom’s sigh without loosing their smile

Mom’s do not always say, but they certainly always see

Mom’s very being is the opening to our doorway to life

Mom’s feel us even when we do not feel ourselves

Mom’s even at their worse are still our mom’s

Mom’s are the true meaning of unconditional

Mom’s are angels without wings

Mom’s are why Dad’s exist

Mom’s are daughters too

Mom’s are always there

 Mom’s just are

~~

http://www.womensselfesteem.com

 

Enjoy, Relli

 

 

New Religion?

 Take few min to watch this video to understand a bit about the new social world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFZ0z5Fm-Ng

My take on it – You need to use it wisely, know how to help people using these new tools. They are tools, not people, let’s not forget it. You still need to meet people creating relationships.

Love to hear your comments, let me know!

Relli

Get paid for who you are – FREE book

Looks like it’s true – this guy is giving away this cool new book for charity. Grab a copy http://tinyurl.com/23nwphq

I got mine!

Relli